


First Date

by Unpretty



Series: Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts [20]
Category: DCU, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:48:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27827029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unpretty/pseuds/Unpretty
Summary: "Just once, I want an investigation to not devolve into Yakety Sax bullshit."
Relationships: Clark Kent/Lois Lane
Series: Sorrowful and Immaculate Hearts [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/440926
Comments: 29
Kudos: 453





	First Date

**Author's Note:**

> Fake names courtesy of Psych! Well, the ones that aren't from math textbooks.

Lois Lane and Clark Kent were in the middle of an investigation, which meant Mary Godwin and Turg Throckmorton were on a date. Neither was going well.

" _Dammit_ , Turg," Lois hissed through her teeth. "You _always_ do this."

"I don't think that's accurate," Clark said, doing his best to be subtle as he slipped a piece of cucumber into his coat for the monk parakeet hiding inside.

" _One_ time," she continued. "Just once, I want an investigation to not devolve into Yakety Sax bullshit."

"I'm taking this very seriously," he said, offended. His coat pocket made a sound like a toy phone on a table trying to vibrate with a low battery. Clark made a show of responding to something on his phone when the waiter returned with the check.

"I'm not leaving through the bathroom window," she warned him as he fished for his wallet. "Godwins use doors. It's family law." He opened his wallet, and frowned. "Please tell me you brought money."

"I _did_ ," he insisted, checking his other pockets. He opened his coat, and narrowed his eyes at the parakeet.

"I'm not inviting you next time."

"You say that every time," he reminded her, gently tugging on a stack of twenties. A small bird foot was briefly visible, gripping the cash, before disappearing back into his pocket.

"And every time I tell myself that things will be different," she said. Clark finally got the bird to relinquish his cash, and he tucked it into the check. "Come on," she said, standing immediately. "They can keep the change."

"That's—probably fair," he said, beginning to protest and immediately giving up. Lois was pulling him along by the wrist, but his pace looked slower than hers by virtue of their height difference. He gave a sheepish grin to the hostess as they passed.

"We need to get this bird somewhere safe," Clark said once they were in the street.

"The bird isn't our most pressing issue," she said.

"The bird is a witness."

" _What_." Lois stopped in her tracks, and Clark was well-practiced in stopping simultaneously at a safe distance.

"She saw everything," Clark said, opening his jacket. The parakeet peered out of his pocket at Lois, and squeaked like a rubber boot trying to say hello. "Her life is in danger."

"... of course it is." Lois tilted sideways to look behind Clark. Men in suits were emerging from the restaurant, searching the crowd. "Shit." She yanked on Clark's arm to pull him toward the nearest stoop. With choreographed ease he fell down and around to sit on the stairs, and Lois dropped onto his lap without having to let him go.

They hadn't _actually_ practiced the maneuver, but they were good at looking like they had.

She checked the reflection in his glasses to look behind her, her face inches from his. "We should be clear in a minute."

"I think maybe I shouldn't come along next time," he said, bringing her up short.

"What?" She looked through his lenses at his eyes. "Turg, you know I didn't mean it."

He started to smile at his fake name, but stopped. "It's just—our cover stories, lately."

"I already apologized about Banjo Swiggins."

"The name isn't the problem."

"That's not what you said last time."

"Last time was a carriage ride through the park," he reminded her.

"Right."

"And before that we were fake dating at a nightclub."

"It's a good cover," she said with a sinking feeling she ignored.

"And before that we were sampling cakes for our wedding."

"I told you, they've started getting suspicious when it's just me."

"And before that was the sex cruise."

"It's not like I _signed up_ for a sex cruise," she huffed, still sitting close in his lap. " _I_ thought the cruise's big secret was just going to be drugs, the orgies thing was as much of a surprise for me as it was for you."

"You booked us a single room," he said.

"It would have looked pretty weird if Mr. and Mrs. Buttersnaps were staying in different rooms," she said as if it were obvious.

It worried her that he was doing such a good job of not smiling.

"You see what I'm getting at, right?" he asked. She looked over her shoulder for ominous men in suits instead of answering. "Lois," he sighed, and finally she couldn't keep avoiding eye contact. "You _know_ I have feelings for you."

Her heart leapt and got caught in her throat, speaking before she could stop it. "You dummy."

"Yeah," he agreed.

"That's..." She struggled for an argument that would defuse the situation. "Unprofessional," she finished.

"Yes," he agreed. "Pretending to go on dates with you is starting to mix me up, which means I should probably stop."

She kissed him. Not as much as she would have liked, because she had to leave room for a bird between them. He kissed her back, but not as much as she would have liked. That had less to do with the bird between them. She pulled away, and they stared at each other. 

"Explain to me where we had a communication breakdown," he said finally.

"I like you," she said.

"Oh."

"You're too nice."

"We don't need to have this conversation again."

"I just don't want things to get weird."

"That ship sailed on a sex cruise."

"After we break up, I mean."

"I'm not trying to make things weird," he said. "I just can't keep going on dates with you when we're not dating."

It felt unfair to her that he was turning their perfectly serviceable arrangement into a problem she had to solve. Which was absolutely what he was doing. Rather than deal with the forest, she looked for a reasonably-sized tree. "Dating is just going on dates," she said. "In a way—"

"Work doesn't count."

"Not _just_ work."

Clark faltered. "Lois..."

The bird flew out of his coat. They watched it go.

"We just lost our star witness," Lois said.

"Shoot," Clark said.

"Let's talk about this later," she said, pulling herself up off his legs.

"Sure," he said as he stood.

Lois watched the parakeet land on the side of a building, and followed at a power-walk. "Swing by my place tomorrow after work, bring pizza."

"... really?"

"Hurry up and help me catch this stupid bird before I change my mind, Smallville."

**Author's Note:**

> genuinely haven't decided if i'll write the actual date! i'm marking it mature anyway because if i do lois will definitely try to get laid so (note to self delete this note later)


End file.
